


What It Takes to Survive

by Sent2TheBeast



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: 2x20 Coda, Angst, Comfort, Feelings, M/M, Malec, Panic Attacks, Parabatai, hurting and healing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-06
Updated: 2017-09-06
Packaged: 2018-12-24 13:30:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,966
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12013776
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sent2TheBeast/pseuds/Sent2TheBeast
Summary: "As the heat and the pressure from Magnus’ hands fell away, the room was plunged into ice. It was cold, so cold Alec began to shiver, to tremble where he sat. It was as if a noose had been pulled tight around his neck, issuing a final death sentence. He couldn’t catch his breath, the pain too much for him to bear, his body went numb."Magnus talks Alec through feeling Jace die. Or, Alec realizes that he can't live without Magnus.





	What It Takes to Survive

**Author's Note:**

> As always, questions, comments, and criticisms are welcome! 
> 
> If you want to chat, you can find me at: fatal-vision.tumblr.com

There it was, pain that ripped, and twisted, and tore at Alec’s insides, at his body, his mind, his soul. The rune burned on his skin, so hot Alec wanted to claw at it, to rip the flesh from his body, so the agony might ease. His heart stopping, pounding erratically, the stabbing, pulsating pain that settled there. There was a tightness in his throat, so taught it brought tears to his eyes, it turned his vision black. _This is a fate worse than death_ Alec thought to himself, as he felt his legs give way underneath him, and screams and sobs joined together and erupted from his throat. There it was, a pain he had never expected to feel, the severing of his soul to Jace’s. There had been broken bones, and broken hearts, and burns from training mats, and etched runes, but there had never been a suffering as great as this, as the pain faded, and an emptiness settled in Alec’s chest. He would have lost himself in the pain and in the loneliness if not for the nimble fingers, grasping tightly to his shoulder, as it was Alec’s whole world had changed, and he was fighting with everything he had to remember which way was up.

 

“I-I can’t feel him,” Alec panted, panic wrapping its suffocating tendrils around his heart “He’s dead,” It was as if all the air in the room had disappeared, Magnus and Isabelle simultaneously sucking in a surprised breath, before the ops center went dead silent. Izzy’s shoulders slumped in defeat, Magnus’ hands slipped from Alec’s shoulders in shock, landing with a soft thud in his lap. 

 

Alec hadn’t realized how much Magnus’ touch had been grounding him. As the heat and the pressure from Magnus’ hands fell away, the room was plunged into ice. It was cold, so cold Alec began to shiver, to tremble where he sat. It was as if a noose had been pulled tight around his neck, issuing a final death sentence. He couldn’t catch his breath, the pain too much for him to bear, his body went numb. 

 

It did not take long for Magnus to recover from the news, he had lost too many people to succumb to grief for very long. And there was so much he had to do now, to ensure the Downworld’s survival. Now that Jace had fallen, as so many had before him, to Valentine and his need for genocide. 

 

“Alexander, we have to go,” resolve woven in his voice. Determination in his eyes.

 

Alec could feel Magnus there, his presence and his soul like a magnet to hi own. But for once, it couldn’t save him. Alec’s arms wrapped around himself as he rocked himself rapidly back and forth, his hands grabbing at the spot where moments ago his Parabatai Rune had sat proudly on his skin.“I can’t, I can’t,” he managed between shaky, rapid breaths, tears he couldn’t control falling down his face. 

 

“Alexander, look at me,” Magnus wrapped his fingers on Alec’s wrist, and for a moment Alec felt like he could breathe again, but the guilt of everything he had done to Magnus, made his flesh burned where he had touched him, and Alec couldn’t stop the knee-jerk reaction as he wrenched his arm from Magnus’ grip. “Alexander,” and there was a seriousness to Magnus tone now that Alec had never heard before. “Look at me, right now,” his tone left no room for argument, left Alec helpless to do anything but obey. Alec thought it would be impossible to break his heart any further than it had been as he felt Jace’s life slip away. But the pain and the calmness in Magnus’ eyes, like he was being torn apart inside, like he was scared, like Alec was a wild animal that could attack at any moment and Magnus was trying to hide his true feelings behind a mask, to settle a peace in Alec’s chest long enough to get him to listen. 

 

Magnus could hardly bear to see how lost Alec looked, as his hazel eyes connected with Magnus’ brown glamor. Magnus held out an arm, ring-adorned fingers reaching out towards Alec’s trembling body. “Take my hand,” he said calmly, the briefest hint of a smile on his face as Alec entwined their fingers. “Okay, now breathe with me, Alexander,” Magnus guided Alec through his breathing, trying with everything he had to calm the panic that was taking over Alec’s body. Alec closed his eyes, still rocking, still grasping desperately on to Magnus’ hand. Magnus took the opportunity to pulse magic through Alec’s veins, to let its calming influence seep deep into his bones, numb the pain, slow the heart, allow Alec some time to focus, to breathe. Magnus hated to do it, he hated to use magic on people, especially when it played with emotions, but the matter at hand was too pressing, and the sooner Alec could come down from the shock of losing a part of himself, the more time they had to stop Valentine from destroying the Downworld, now that their last hope had been lost to the Angel.

 

“We have to go,” Magnus said, when Alec finally stilled, when the haze dissolved from his eyes, when he finally seemed to return to the world. “We have to stop Valentine,” 

 

“I-“ the world came out strangled and thick “I can’t,” 

 

“Yes you can,” Magnus abandoned kneeling, in favor of sitting cross legged on the cold, hard tiles of the Ops Center floor. “You have to, for him, for Jace. You have to play the soldier now, for just a few more hours, and then you can mourn. But if the worst has happened, if Jace is truly dead, then Clary is in trouble too and we have to help her before it’s too late. And if it is, then we need to stop Valentine ourselves, or else their sacrifice will have been in vain because there will be no one left to set their souls free. No one left to weep for them. No one left to bury them. Jace and Clary deserve more than to be left out there, alone in the woods, to waste away into nothing,” 

 

“Magnus,” Alec sobbed, and it ripped Magnus’ heart right out of his chest. “I can’t,” 

 

“Yes you can, you can and you will. Because you are Alexander Gideon Lightwood. You are not only the bravest man I have ever known, you are the strongest. And you know if Jace is truly dead, you need to bring him home. You need to lay him to rest in the City of Bones with the family he didn’t get to know. You need to get him back, and keep him away from Valentine. And you need to save me, Alexander. You need to save us all.” Magnus let the mask fall away, overwhelming Alec with a sudden wave of vulnerability and fear. Of complete and utter terror. “Izzy will be right there. I will be right there,” 

 

“No, Magnus,” anxiety bubbling back up in Alec’s throat “You can’t. You need to go to the Seelie realm, you need to get to safety. I can-.” But he can’t bring himself to say it, even if it’s true. Because Magnus doesn’t want to be that anymore, because Magnus is still angry at him. Because Magnus may still love him, but he is completely unaware of how madly and deeply Alec has fallen for him. Because he doesn’t know that Magnus is the only thing keeping him sane right now. That the hand they still have linked together is the only thing that grounds him. That makes him remember there are still things worth fighting for. That there is still a battle to be won. That he has to keep fighting, play through the pain. That he can scream, and cry, and punch holes into the walls until his fists bleed, later. That he can’t live without Magnus, even if Magnus has decided to live without him. 

 

“I’m not going anywhere,” Magnus says, and it almost echoes this morning, when he had collapsed in the sand, when he had drained all of his magic to help the Shadowhunters again, even though he would get nothing out of it, again. When they had used him as a warlock, instead of treating him like a human being, again. And it almost puts hope in his heart, that maybe Magnus means more than just the words that pass his lips. But that’s too much to wish for right now, that Magnus might forgive Alec for betraying his trust, for lying. It’s a hope he needs to stitch himself back together again. 

 

Alec sets his jaw, he pushes himself off the ground, pulling Magnus with him. He lets go of Magnus’ hand, or he tries to, but the mere thought of losing that point of contact nearly sends his head spiraling right back into a pit of despair, and isolation. He expects the worst when Magnus' fingers slide away from his, of their own accord, but he’s close enough to smell the sandalwood shampoo, to see the fading sunlight gleam off the rings on his fingers, to feel the static energy of Magnus’ magic as it sparks to life in his hands, and it’s enough, it’s enough to keep Alec on his feet. 

 

The rest of the night passes in a blur of blinding, radiant light, fear, panic, and shock at finding Jace alive and breathing, to see the parabatai rune sitting darkly against his skin, to feel Jace, solid and warm against his chest. Of last minute invitations to the Hunters Moon bar, to celebrations of life and love, and things that Alec never thought he would get to have. There is not enough time to breathe, let alone process the trauma, the fear, the sadness. But there is enough time for Alec to know that he has to fix whatever he broke between himself and Magnus. Because he knows, although his soul had been twisted, and broken, and torn, although a hole had been burned into his heart at the same time his rune had been burned away, although his had felt the world slip out from underneath him, that he would have been lost to the tides, to the pain, and the grief, if Magnus had not been there to bring him home. He would have died, right then and there, on the floor of the Ops Room, with only Isabelle to watch the life fade from his eyes, if Magnus’ hands had not been pressed against his back, if the warmth of Magnus’ body had not found it’s way into his bones. And if Alec has learned one thing in all of this, it is what it takes to survive. And what it takes, is Magnus Bane, loving him unconditionally. Magnus Bane, trusting him although he had no reason too. Magnus Bane, fighting for him, even when he thought all hope was lost. Magnus Bane, still bruised and angry from Alec’s betrayal, sitting next to him on the floor, holding his hand, wiping away his tears, filling his body with light and comfort and warmth until Alec could find the strength to fight back against the agony that had wrapped it’s slimy fingers around his soul. 

 

Alec catches a glimpse of Magnus, leaning against a wall, martini glass in his hands, exhaustion in his shoulders, sadness in the setting of his jaw. And Alec know there is no way in Hell he is giving up on them that easily. All the excitement and noise in the bar fades away as he approaches, until there is nothing left but silence and the image of his heart and soul leaning there against the wall. 


End file.
